The Deep Cry in my heart

I remember the day clearly. I hurried to get home early because my sister Cindy was coming over to get her hair done. When she arrived, I was surprised that her hair did not need to be done, not even a little—it was too soon. I was just going to send her home, then thought I will just do the top and make well of the time we had together. We started to visit, and she said Ryan had not been feeling good since January when he thought he ate some bad chicken wings. All my kids started coming home from work, and the house was full. Cindy had finished her hair, and I just had her jump in the shower. Ryan came over after the doctor's appointment and stated he had something to tell us, so we were waiting till his mom got out of the shower. I knew it was not good news, so I encouraged her to hurry. Ryan then proceeded to tell us that he had stage 4 colon cancer. Our hearts broke as we listened to what he was saying. We tried to hold back our own fears and tears as he shared his first thoughts to these diagnoses. We called my his Nana over because Ryan wanted her to know the news personally from him and his mom. Soon his girlfriend Ari arrived, which we found out earlier from Ryan that it would like to purpose to her as soon as he could. Knowing Ryan’s heart of his hope to make Ari his soon-to-be wife brought some joy in the moment. When you are only 36 years old and you get this kind of news, it's more than you could have ever imagined. But one thing was clear, he was still with us, and we could find hope.

After they left, my kids said, "Mom, you cannot leave now for school." I said everything would be okay in my heart and spirit. I knew there was no turning back from what the Lord told me to do, which was difficult to keep my focus on moving forward. Campus days had arrived, I was off with Roy and Sue. Even though enjoying everything God had supplied, there was a deep cry in my spirit and soul for Ryan. I loved him so much and knew without God this journey would be impossible. I don't know how to always pray, so I prefer to position myself before the Lord and wait for his direction. I knew the most important thing and desire for my heart was for Ryan to know God in a personal way and above all else. I sat in supplication before the Lord for some time, pondering on the knowledge that He is our strength.

The second day in Woodland Park I joined in believing with Sue and Roy over Ryan and other things the Lord was bringing up, it was such a blessed morning (Matthew 18:19). That evening Cindy was calling me on a conference call with Ryan, he was weeping, barely getting out his words that he had an encounter with God. I remember listening to both of them, suddenly feeling like I had to fight disbelief. My ears needed to catch up to the Lord's will and truth over Ryan's life. It seems the enemy just throws doubt in to see if you will run with it. What I was not seeing was YES and AMEN (so be it) (2 Corinthians 1:20). I wanted the promises in His word. I was asking for, longing for but wasn't seeing the YES and AMEN, the finished work of our Lord Jesus Christ. Soon I began to move into rejoicing which the Lord showed me earlier in the year that it is an instance demolisher of doubt, so peace settled in. Now I could leave every thought in the promises of God. I returned home and over the next month I worked hard with earning the money to pay for my tuition.

On the way home one day, I asked the Lord. What am I doing? I knew in my heart; something was not right. I knew Ryan was struggling with getting on his feet. He was figuring out all the treatments and mostly taking care of himself. I asked the Lord that day if I could put aside some of my jobs and take care of him. I trusted in knowing the Lord is my provider and would take care of all my needs, my heart was with Ryan. I had peace and I called Cindy to ask her if she thought it would be okay. He lived with a family. So I wanted to see how to approach the idea. So for the next few months I was able to have the honor to care for and spend extra time with Ryan during his chemo treatments. God is so good to provide. I want to pause here—we need to believe the Word

2 Corinthians 1:20 - "For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory." - and

Matthew 18:19, "Again I tell you, if two of you on earth agree (harmonize together, make a symphony together) about whatever [anything and everything] they may ask, it will come to pass and be done for them by My Father in heaven." Love The Living God.