The Deep Cry in my heart

I remember the day clearly. I hurried home early because my sister Cindy was coming over to get her hair done. When she arrived, I was surprised because her hair did not need to be done at all. It was much too soon. I was almost going to send her home, but then I thought, I'll just touch up the top and make good use of the time we have together.

As we visited, Cindy mentioned that Ryan, her son, had not been feeling well since January. He thought he had eaten some bad chicken wings and never seemed to recover. While we were talking, all of my kids started coming home from work, and before long the house was full.

When I finished Cindy's hair, I had her jump in the shower. Shortly afterward, Ryan came over after a doctor's appointment. He quietly said he had something he needed to tell us, so we all waited for his mom to finish up. Deep down, I knew it wasn't going to be good news, so I encouraged her to hurry.

When everyone had gathered, Ryan looked at us and told us he had been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.

The room fell silent.

Our hearts broke as we listened to him share what the doctors had told him. We fought back our own fears and tears because, in that moment, this wasn't about us. It was about Ryan. We wanted him to know he wasn't alone.

I called my mom to come over because Ryan wanted her to hear the news personally from him and his mom. A little while later, his girlfriend, Ari, arrived. Earlier that day, Ryan had quietly shared with us that he wanted to propose to her as soon as he could.

Knowing his heart and his desire to make Ari his wife brought a small glimpse of joy into one of the hardest days our family had ever faced.

When you are thirty-six years old and receive news like that, your whole world changes in an instant. Yet, in the middle of the shock and uncertainty, one thing remained true.

Ryan was still with us. As long as he was still here, there was still hope.

After everyone left, my children looked at me and said, "Mom, you can't leave for school now."

I understood why they felt that way. A month earlier, the Lord had called me to go to Bible college, even though everything in me wanted to stop time. But deep in my heart and spirit, I knew I could not turn back from what the Lord had asked me to do. It was one of the hardest moments of obedience.

Campus Days at Charis had arrived, and I traveled to Woodland Park with my cousins Roy and Sue. Even while enjoying everything God had graciously provided, there was a deep cry in my spirit for Ryan. I loved him so much, and I knew that without God, this journey would be impossible.

One thing I have learned over the years is that I do not always know how to pray. Rather than rushing to find the right words, I have learned to position myself before the Lord and wait for His direction. My greatest desire was not simply that Ryan would be healed physically, although I desperately wanted that. Above everything else, I wanted him to know God personally.

So I waited before the Lord.

I sat quietly in supplication, pondering the truth that He alone is our strength.

On the second day in Woodland Park, Sue, Roy, and I joined together in prayer, believing God for Ryan and for the other things the Lord was placing on our hearts. It was such a blessed morning. Jesus said, "If two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven" (Matthew 18:19). We held tightly to that promise.

That evening, Cindy called me and added Ryan to a conference call.

He was crying.

Between broken words and tears, he told us he had encountered God.

I remember listening to both of them, and suddenly I realized I had to fight disbelief. My ears needed time to catch up with what God was doing. The enemy has a way of whispering doubt, hoping we will agree with it before we ever agree with God.

But what I wasn't seeing yet was God's "Yes" and "Amen."

The promises of God are not uncertain. Scripture tells us, "For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen" (2 Corinthians 1:20). I longed to see those promises fulfilled in Ryan's life. I wanted to witness the finished work of Jesus Christ.

Then the Lord reminded me of something He had taught me earlier that year.

Rejoicing demolishes doubt.

The moment I chose to rejoice instead of fear, peace settled over my heart. My circumstances had not changed, but my focus had. I could leave every fearful thought at the feet of Jesus and rest in His promises.

When I returned home, I worked diligently over the next month to earn the money I needed for my tuition. Life continued moving forward, but Ryan was never far from my thoughts.

One day, while driving home, I asked the Lord, "What am I doing?"

Something inside me knew that my priorities needed to shift.

Ryan was trying to navigate treatments, appointments, and the overwhelming reality of living with cancer. Much of the time, he was facing it on his own.

I asked the Lord if I could set aside some of my jobs so I could help take care of him.

I knew what that decision would cost financially, but I also knew who my Provider was. The Lord had never failed me before, and I trusted that He would continue to supply everything I needed.

My heart was with Ryan.

As peace filled my heart, I called Cindy and asked if she thought it would be okay. Since Ryan lived with another family, I wanted to approach everything respectfully.

For the next several months, God opened the door for me to help care for Ryan and spend precious time with him throughout his chemotherapy treatments.

Looking back now, I see it as one of the greatest privileges of my life.

God, in His goodness, made a way for me to be there.

I want to pause here because this is where faith becomes more than something we talk about.

It becomes something we live.

We must believe God's Word before we see the outcome. Faith does not begin when the miracle appears. Faith begins when all we have is His promise. And here is where we will stand with Ryan. We either choose to agree with the report of the world, or we choose to anchor ourselves in the report of the Lord. His Word is not merely something to comfort us during difficult seasons. It is the foundation we stand on while we wait. If we truly believe that His promises are "Yes" and "Amen," then we can trust Him even when we cannot yet see what He is doing.

So here I stand.

2 Corinthians 1:20 - "For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory." - and

Matthew 18:19, "Again I tell you, if two of you on earth agree (harmonize together, make a symphony together) about whatever [anything and everything] they may ask, it will come to pass and be done for them by My Father in heaven." Love The Living God.